When all of my anxiety attacks/panic attacks started happening and I had to have help afterwards of getting around, and doing normal everyday things, the guilt sat in.
I felt absolutely terrible. I didn't want the help, but I needed it.
If I didn't ask for help I would fall, stumble, trip, everything because my body was so weak.
I hated it. I hated myself. I wondered day in and day out why this was happening to me. I was so independent and now I couldn't be at times. I had to rely on other people.
I thank God everyday that I had a fiancé (at the time) who understood and stood beside me and helped me.
I still wonder why he stuck around and eventually asked me to marry him, but I am so grateful and honored that he picked me to be his wife. I couldn't ask for a more perfect man.
I still feel guilty to this day when I have to ask for help. Talk about taking a punch to the pride. I shouldn't have to have help! I should be able to do everything on my own. It absolutely kills me to ask for help. I hate myself when I do, and I hate the entire situation. I feel so guilty and feel like a burden to everyone when I need help. No one ever seems to mind and constantly tell me that's what family is for. I despise it though. I want to be healthy and not need help anymore. I want to be ME again.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Self Esteem
Self esteem is one thing I have always struggled with. As I'm sure most people do. I still do to this day struggle with it.
I was never skinny, popular, or the first picked when it came time for people to choose their teams.
I was made fun of in middle school and high school, and it has caused me SO many problems.
(Yes you know who you are! I hope your reading this so you can see the PAIN you have caused me and I'm sure many, many, MANY other people.)
Bullying is one of the worst things in the world. I was called all kinds of names growing up just because I was "fat."
I've lost weight since graduating high school and I'm starting to become more and more happy with how I look, but all the torment I endured then has contributed to my depression and how I see myself now.
There was days I would go home from school crying, and dreading going back the next day.
I really do hope they got what they wanted out of making fun of me and other kids, because they've caused years and years of damage. I've been out if school now for almost 6 years and I'm still suffering from the damage it's done.
Bullying can and most of the time affect people for the rest of their lives.
So to all the bully's out there. Think about what you are doing to people. Think about what you say, and the long term effects you will have on people.
This is me, and I am slowly starting to love me and how I look. I'm also starting to not care what other people think. Yes it's harder than what it seems, and the people that struggle with this issue know where I am coming from. It's hard not to care, but I'm getting there, and so will you. I just have to tell myself everyday that I am beautiful and so are YOU!!
I was never skinny, popular, or the first picked when it came time for people to choose their teams.
I was made fun of in middle school and high school, and it has caused me SO many problems.
(Yes you know who you are! I hope your reading this so you can see the PAIN you have caused me and I'm sure many, many, MANY other people.)
Bullying is one of the worst things in the world. I was called all kinds of names growing up just because I was "fat."
I've lost weight since graduating high school and I'm starting to become more and more happy with how I look, but all the torment I endured then has contributed to my depression and how I see myself now.
There was days I would go home from school crying, and dreading going back the next day.
I really do hope they got what they wanted out of making fun of me and other kids, because they've caused years and years of damage. I've been out if school now for almost 6 years and I'm still suffering from the damage it's done.
Bullying can and most of the time affect people for the rest of their lives.
So to all the bully's out there. Think about what you are doing to people. Think about what you say, and the long term effects you will have on people.
This is me, and I am slowly starting to love me and how I look. I'm also starting to not care what other people think. Yes it's harder than what it seems, and the people that struggle with this issue know where I am coming from. It's hard not to care, but I'm getting there, and so will you. I just have to tell myself everyday that I am beautiful and so are YOU!!
Getting Started
First of all let me say I am in no way a great writer. Probably one of the worst you will ever come across. After talking with a few of my friends I decided to give this blogging a shot. I've needed a place to put my thoughts and I figured what better way than to blog about it. I've been through a lot in the past 5 1/2 years. Multiple, test, doctors, psychiatrists, you name it I've probably been through it.
I am now seeing a psychotherapist that I adore. She treats me with just therapy, which is what I wanted. I hated being on all the medicine others wanted to give me. She has changed my life in the short 10 months I've been seeing her. This blog is going to take you through my journey from being the person who stayed in her dark room in bed all day, to being a wife, and Mother to a almost 2 year old that has fought a battle and is still fighting to become the person I want to be.
My first post I figured I would start from the very beginning.
In December of 2007 my life changed. I was working as a Customer Service Manager at a huge retail store. I started feeling lightheaded, my heart was racing, I was scared. I had no idea what was happening to me. I couldn't breathe, and the next thing I know I was surrounded by people. I had passed out from hyperventilating. That day would forever change my life. It set off a chain of events over the next several months of trying to figure out what was happening to me. Doctor visits, trips to the emergency room, CT Scans, EEG's, EKG's all which came back fine. That's when my family doctor told me I needed to start seeing a Psychiatrist. I refused for months, finally my husband told me it was time to face the facts and stop being stubborn. So I went, well what do you know, I had a panic attack sitting in this mans office. He put me on medicine (which I HATED taking), and I wish I could say that was that and I was all better, but this is just the beginning of my journey down this road......
I am now seeing a psychotherapist that I adore. She treats me with just therapy, which is what I wanted. I hated being on all the medicine others wanted to give me. She has changed my life in the short 10 months I've been seeing her. This blog is going to take you through my journey from being the person who stayed in her dark room in bed all day, to being a wife, and Mother to a almost 2 year old that has fought a battle and is still fighting to become the person I want to be.
My first post I figured I would start from the very beginning.
In December of 2007 my life changed. I was working as a Customer Service Manager at a huge retail store. I started feeling lightheaded, my heart was racing, I was scared. I had no idea what was happening to me. I couldn't breathe, and the next thing I know I was surrounded by people. I had passed out from hyperventilating. That day would forever change my life. It set off a chain of events over the next several months of trying to figure out what was happening to me. Doctor visits, trips to the emergency room, CT Scans, EEG's, EKG's all which came back fine. That's when my family doctor told me I needed to start seeing a Psychiatrist. I refused for months, finally my husband told me it was time to face the facts and stop being stubborn. So I went, well what do you know, I had a panic attack sitting in this mans office. He put me on medicine (which I HATED taking), and I wish I could say that was that and I was all better, but this is just the beginning of my journey down this road......
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